she is gone now

It was 12:00 a.m. not last night but the night before that Melissa left this world. My sister said that it wasn't really a peaceful death. When you have cancer sometimes your platlates are no longer exsistant. And Melissa had none. When you go through chemo-therapy, it does one of two things. It first kills all the good cells and in that process it can kill all the cancer. Or It kills all of your organs slowly because the toxicidity is so strong. With the kind of cancer that she had there was little to no chance that she would make it through this treatment. There is an irony in cancer, it kills when it wants to, and there is nothing we can do but await its finally hour. If she wasn't 18years old and she was yonger this same cancer would have been 95% curable. But because of her age and the dynamics of this cancer, it is that worst at age 18. As this swept through her body she no longer could think, see and feel to much. She died by bleeding out...not really farmilar scientifically with what happens but i know that inside she just fills with blood and then it begins to come out of all her nose, mouth and ears.

She was with her mom and a very loving nurse, i am sure that her mom is sad but is glad to know there is no more suffering. It pains me most to know her mother will be the one to remain in utter pain. She now must pack her bags soon and leave all that she knows after she has lost the only thing that she loves most, her daughter.

Knowing Melissa was an exciting time in my life...her smile and her love and her kindness never left me even a year later. I fear the idea of christianity and what happens to people when they die? I fear the idea that there is a hell even for the murders of this world. I am reading the book dead man walking and even in there i have begun to love the killer and feel he also has no right to hell...

I will rejoice though cause i serve a God who has redeemed all people...and i will celebrate when i see Melissa again...we can dance she can laugh and she will not have to see that fuckin hospital room again.