intelligence?
intelligence..some where inside my mother brain here i do have some sort of intelliegence...just sometimes is fails me! i am thinking up ideas of what i can do when my maternity leave is over because i will need to coin. I realize being self employed isn't the greatest stategy because i won't get any EI when i am pregnant with number two. so i have thought of nothing hence the missing intelligence things. Anyhow if anyone has any good suggestions that would be great!
world is on fire
i had placed this video from sarah on my blog...second video down on the right hand side...and i thought it was a fantastic because it demonstrates how much waste there is on entertainment...i think we forget sometimes how the entertianment world that you and me, and the whole world is apart of really makes more money and spends more money than anything else in the world...(well that may not be fully true because athletes make millions a year for most of the games they play).
So the question is when i compare my life and spending to that of these thousands and millions of pop icons and their spending habits what is the paralel.
So here is what i came up with
A night out (movie and dinner) $22.00 movie,. $40.00 dinner total of 62.00 plus gas
shopping for groceries $200.00 every two weeks
diapers 70.00 per month
mortgage 610.00 per month
at the end of the day, jordan and I are on a tight budget but we still get all the things we need and want, really! and we waste a hell of alot on entertainment. So food for thought i suppose, we all point the finger at all these pop icons and athletes and well i guess what i am getting at is to live simply is the fucken hardest thing to do for all of us...
when i go out for a hot meal and a movie i rarely think about how i could have spent that money in a better way, No. I often think and justify how much i really need that experience and deserve it...can you relate! Yes i am sure you can, i just need this, i need that...and well then we begin to realize we are just like the athletes and the job bon jovi's of this world...taking our wants and somehow justifying them as needs.
signed off as another sad spender in this consumeristic world
So the question is when i compare my life and spending to that of these thousands and millions of pop icons and their spending habits what is the paralel.
So here is what i came up with
A night out (movie and dinner) $22.00 movie,. $40.00 dinner total of 62.00 plus gas
shopping for groceries $200.00 every two weeks
diapers 70.00 per month
mortgage 610.00 per month
at the end of the day, jordan and I are on a tight budget but we still get all the things we need and want, really! and we waste a hell of alot on entertainment. So food for thought i suppose, we all point the finger at all these pop icons and athletes and well i guess what i am getting at is to live simply is the fucken hardest thing to do for all of us...
when i go out for a hot meal and a movie i rarely think about how i could have spent that money in a better way, No. I often think and justify how much i really need that experience and deserve it...can you relate! Yes i am sure you can, i just need this, i need that...and well then we begin to realize we are just like the athletes and the job bon jovi's of this world...taking our wants and somehow justifying them as needs.
signed off as another sad spender in this consumeristic world
things that make you go hmm!
i cried it is true...today i cried and was angry and well all the emotions that one can feel at once. I have the sign that says "for sale" that is my house is for sale. It really is hard and really weird and all together scary. I go the nerves today about living with other people...cause you see i like my space, i like my things, and well frankly i really like it all to myself!
Sharing is so hard, and i don't mean sharing crayons, i mean sharing the big things in life, like your life. Your vulnerable moments, your moments that you want no one to see. I like my privacy my special quiet times with Aubrey...and my very loud moments with my husband...
Today i question whether i am really up for this community thing...if i want my kids to never be in their own home, and bla bla bla.
And the other thing that made me angry today is seeing myself in an ever so overweight photo! Yuck...you know...!
Sharing is so hard, and i don't mean sharing crayons, i mean sharing the big things in life, like your life. Your vulnerable moments, your moments that you want no one to see. I like my privacy my special quiet times with Aubrey...and my very loud moments with my husband...
Today i question whether i am really up for this community thing...if i want my kids to never be in their own home, and bla bla bla.
And the other thing that made me angry today is seeing myself in an ever so overweight photo! Yuck...you know...!
laughter is the best gift
last night i have a fantastic night with the goodyear family and the vincent family...it was great times had by all but my favorite part of all is all the laughter it is good for the soul. As well as me and Margie's adventure saving kittens that i suppose mihgt have never needed saving after all.
I am heading tonight to a fundraising dinner for the place I used to work...really not exactly the best night of my life...but hopefully it will be fun...
cheers
I am heading tonight to a fundraising dinner for the place I used to work...really not exactly the best night of my life...but hopefully it will be fun...
cheers
lumps
Aubrey is really giggling now and it is so much fun to watch...i love it you can see her on You tube it is pretty cute.
being a mom is fantastic but i realize after going to a few doctors appointments that you body really goes through a lot. Since having Aubrey I have found out that i have low Iron, low B12. And today my doctor called me back and said i need to go see a gyno because i have a sist on my left side somewhere in you uterus. Kinda sucks...i feel like i need a break from my vagina being on show to the world , if you know what i mean. At any rate here i am wondering what the hell is going on with this body of mine.
i have had sist in the past in my left breast, i had it checked out and it was fine...but apparently i have more where that came from. New challenges every day i suppose.
To all those women out there who don't get annual physicals and don't do self breast examinations i highly recommend them! "You should try and stay healthy even if it means a little poking and proding"!
being a mom is fantastic but i realize after going to a few doctors appointments that you body really goes through a lot. Since having Aubrey I have found out that i have low Iron, low B12. And today my doctor called me back and said i need to go see a gyno because i have a sist on my left side somewhere in you uterus. Kinda sucks...i feel like i need a break from my vagina being on show to the world , if you know what i mean. At any rate here i am wondering what the hell is going on with this body of mine.
i have had sist in the past in my left breast, i had it checked out and it was fine...but apparently i have more where that came from. New challenges every day i suppose.
To all those women out there who don't get annual physicals and don't do self breast examinations i highly recommend them! "You should try and stay healthy even if it means a little poking and proding"!
my bed head
today i woke up with major bed head, one down fall to having short hair i suppose? nice to see that everyone is very concerned with the dogs...and the funny thing is Jord went over and met him yesterday said he was an alright guy...just maybe not that great with Dog's. OUch!
went to cultivate for part of the day yesterday and really enjoyed myself, apart from the hot wheather it was a great experience to chat about some of the relevant issues of churches and communities. One of the topics I went to was community living, it was a really interesting response. Most people hate the idea of sharing any kind of space, but they also appreciate the idea as well. after chatting about it more i realize that it could be a great thing it just is alot of effort...jord and I will have to see what it is like...my journal at that point might just turn into rants about community living.
baby is crying go to run
cheers
went to cultivate for part of the day yesterday and really enjoyed myself, apart from the hot wheather it was a great experience to chat about some of the relevant issues of churches and communities. One of the topics I went to was community living, it was a really interesting response. Most people hate the idea of sharing any kind of space, but they also appreciate the idea as well. after chatting about it more i realize that it could be a great thing it just is alot of effort...jord and I will have to see what it is like...my journal at that point might just turn into rants about community living.
baby is crying go to run
cheers
Three
Today i was letting my dog out or trying to get him to come in actually because the wheather is so great. When i saw a neighbour across the alley who has three puppies beat them and scream at them. My hair all over my body stood on end...so i called the SPCA and they said they can't do anything? It really tares me apart to see animals being treated like this. IT is awful. I really want to march over there and buy all the puppies that i can and bring them home. OR just take them up to the SPCA! sad how bad men make bad parents, bad dog raisers and there is nothing we can do about it.
So if anyone has any suggestion let me know...or even anyone you know who wants a puppy?
cause I might be inheriting three.
So if anyone has any suggestion let me know...or even anyone you know who wants a puppy?
cause I might be inheriting three.
back allies
well today i went to clean the backyard of all the things that kinda collect over the winter and to my dismay...two guys were yelling at each other for most of the time I was out there. oh the sound of fuck you's and bastard's all strung together reminds me that i have a back alley first off and secondly that it is spring. Allies filled with assholes and backyards that need to be cleaned some how the co-mingling of these two entities just seems one in the same in the hammer.
I do however love getting things all nice and ready for spring...it always looks so awful and ugly...and then comes the beauty that we have all been dying to see! Nice flowers and fresh looking grass...and oh well in the hammer you can't forget the smells! Today was one of the first days that I was able to get out and see my neighbours and unfortunately i told them that we were going to put our house up for sale? Sad i think it made her and yet i think that she life here for her...neighbours come and neighbours go! It really breaks my heart to leave and i will really struggle for some time about this. God, it is so nice to have my own place with my own garden and a house i can do with what i please.
signing off as the neighbour...who wishes she could stay a neighbour!
I do however love getting things all nice and ready for spring...it always looks so awful and ugly...and then comes the beauty that we have all been dying to see! Nice flowers and fresh looking grass...and oh well in the hammer you can't forget the smells! Today was one of the first days that I was able to get out and see my neighbours and unfortunately i told them that we were going to put our house up for sale? Sad i think it made her and yet i think that she life here for her...neighbours come and neighbours go! It really breaks my heart to leave and i will really struggle for some time about this. God, it is so nice to have my own place with my own garden and a house i can do with what i please.
signing off as the neighbour...who wishes she could stay a neighbour!
money money money
if it were true that money can grow on trees today would be the day that i would like to find that tree...we are going through some changes with a new house somewhere in the future...and a house to sell. With that said there are some added costs to buying and selling your house. one is you need to have money to make things nice a presentable so that you can get top dollar for your house!
But with all the money going out the window before the place is even on the market well lets say that is a little scary. So Jord went to get an egg mcmuffin today and the balance in the bank was zero! Ahhhhhhhh! Panic sets in and then i check the bank and sure enough cheques that were wrote a long time ago have been cashed and well etleast all the bills were paid!
this is my money rant....so if you find that tree could you let me know where it is rooted cause right now i need to find it!
cheers from one poor bastard to another
But with all the money going out the window before the place is even on the market well lets say that is a little scary. So Jord went to get an egg mcmuffin today and the balance in the bank was zero! Ahhhhhhhh! Panic sets in and then i check the bank and sure enough cheques that were wrote a long time ago have been cashed and well etleast all the bills were paid!
this is my money rant....so if you find that tree could you let me know where it is rooted cause right now i need to find it!
cheers from one poor bastard to another
the daddy review
so last night i went out to the fashion show leaving daddy to look after baby...as it turns out she was incrledibly fussy...but when I arrived back from the show she was sound asleep in his arms. (ironically he didn't tell me until we were in the car that she was sooo fussy)? well to say the least he did what he could but it seemed like it was just one of those nights i guess...
so today i had a doctor's appoinment that i had to go to so he looked after her again... and of course she was fussy...tired maybe and just a little off. And he said it was really hard and i could see it on his face once he told me. It really bothered him that he felt really angered by the situation. And he wanted to freak out he said...well maybe freak out isn't the right word...maybe more like he felt a little out of control with the emotions he was feeling. So we talked and he then thought i would never leave him home with her because he might hurt her? I was sure certain he would never hurt her?
It is funny how being a mom you just do it without thinking and you kinda just deal with the fussy days as they come...because at any moment your entire days plans can be gone in a whim. I think for guys it is just a little harder...they don't spend as much time with the child therefore the ways the child acts can be different from the last time they were alone with them. Right now Aubrey cries and fusses alot when she is sleepy. Kinda fitting the feeling i think...and that can be pretty persistant for an hour or so then she will give in and nap.
I wish there was some magic pill that made it easier for dads considering they only get so much time with the baby. But there is not and well it can be hard then to ever leave the baby home...not because you are worried about the baby but because you are worried about dad, getting too tired and feeling like a failure. I have had weeks and weeks and weeks of time to figure her out and meet her needs and he probably has a week maybe two of time spent with her alone...and i am being generous. So as the story goes we should never make the husband feel bad but only remind the of how much practice we have...that will hopefully put it all in perspective.
signing off as the mom who knows it's hard to mother when you are the dad
so today i had a doctor's appoinment that i had to go to so he looked after her again... and of course she was fussy...tired maybe and just a little off. And he said it was really hard and i could see it on his face once he told me. It really bothered him that he felt really angered by the situation. And he wanted to freak out he said...well maybe freak out isn't the right word...maybe more like he felt a little out of control with the emotions he was feeling. So we talked and he then thought i would never leave him home with her because he might hurt her? I was sure certain he would never hurt her?
It is funny how being a mom you just do it without thinking and you kinda just deal with the fussy days as they come...because at any moment your entire days plans can be gone in a whim. I think for guys it is just a little harder...they don't spend as much time with the child therefore the ways the child acts can be different from the last time they were alone with them. Right now Aubrey cries and fusses alot when she is sleepy. Kinda fitting the feeling i think...and that can be pretty persistant for an hour or so then she will give in and nap.
I wish there was some magic pill that made it easier for dads considering they only get so much time with the baby. But there is not and well it can be hard then to ever leave the baby home...not because you are worried about the baby but because you are worried about dad, getting too tired and feeling like a failure. I have had weeks and weeks and weeks of time to figure her out and meet her needs and he probably has a week maybe two of time spent with her alone...and i am being generous. So as the story goes we should never make the husband feel bad but only remind the of how much practice we have...that will hopefully put it all in perspective.
signing off as the mom who knows it's hard to mother when you are the dad
rainy wheather and a fashion show
tonight i am venturing out with two girlfriends leaving daddy to look after Aubrey! i am going to a fashion show and dinner. mostly interested in getting out and supporting my mom's house, all the procedes go to her house. So here i am just getting all geared up for a rare night out with the girls. I hope we have a good time.
new blog spot
so i am pissing off my husband today!!! I have an edge and as we speak he is kinda pissing me off too! the response that i have is well that's just life isn't it.
one thing i really hate is going to the mall...trying things on after having a baby is literal torchure, but at the same time it also can be nice to get something that fits your new body after having a kid...and i think it is safe to say that you really don't bounce back after nine weeks let alone if ever???
But i got a couple things i feel alright in and some that i tried on for hubby that once he saw made me realize maybe they should go back...at any rate that is life today.
We are also thinking or should i say are selling our house. we have lived here three years now and i think i feel a little sad to leave...i love moving don't get me wrong but the thought of it kinda scares me! On top of the fact that i will be living with other people....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ya other people if you think you didn't hear it right the first time...we are going to dive head first into community living something i have done before but hated...so i guess i am going for a second round just for kicks.
signing off as the new person....fully expressed over the internet!
one thing i really hate is going to the mall...trying things on after having a baby is literal torchure, but at the same time it also can be nice to get something that fits your new body after having a kid...and i think it is safe to say that you really don't bounce back after nine weeks let alone if ever???
But i got a couple things i feel alright in and some that i tried on for hubby that once he saw made me realize maybe they should go back...at any rate that is life today.
We are also thinking or should i say are selling our house. we have lived here three years now and i think i feel a little sad to leave...i love moving don't get me wrong but the thought of it kinda scares me! On top of the fact that i will be living with other people....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ya other people if you think you didn't hear it right the first time...we are going to dive head first into community living something i have done before but hated...so i guess i am going for a second round just for kicks.
signing off as the new person....fully expressed over the internet!
Pregnancy 16 weeks and one day
This is the most exciting time in my life...having a baby a little one at the moment is growing inside me and it is really hard to believe. i thought it would be a great idea now that most people know i am pregnant to write down some of my thoughts throughout. The first thing is the story.
Jordan and I took a trip to florida this April which was so much fun, and relaxation. While we were there we got pregnant...planned? Yes of course! Anyhow we both were driving home and i was just totally being rediculous because i was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping all the way home. And for those of you that know Jord he is a terrible driver at night. So i kinda slept with one eye open. To say the least i really couldn't stay awake. So we arrived home and for two days straight i continued to have these lengthy naps and felt really great afterwords. But i started to get a little suspicious. So i went up stairs and got out my pregnancy test and of course took a pee. Anyways, Jord was out cutting the lawn and i thought hey lets just see? Well i sat there waiting and waiting and reading every line on the paper that comes in the box...i has already read it over so many times but i needed something to keep it off my mind. So when the time was up i quickly grabbed the stick and read two pink lines!!!! I said "oh my God! i am pregnant!" i paced in the hallway for a while and kept staring at the stick. Then i rushed downstairs and yelled for jord out in the backyard. He was filling up the lawnmore with gas and ended up spilling it everywhere. Eventually he came in and i showed him the stick! Ahhhhh, wow is this for real i think is what he said! We hughed and laughed and then he said "We have got to go to the Doctor's to make sure this is true!"
So the next day i left work and went to see the Doctor...i waited in the waiting room what felt like an hour. Then i got called in and i said to the lady bringing me back to the room. "I think i am pregnant can i have a urine sample cup?" So went down the cold white hallway to the bathroom. I brought back the sample and set it in the area where they do the tests, just to be helpful! I went to my room and sat down grabbed a magazine and pretended that i wasn't waiting for the biggest news of my life to come walking in dressed in a white coat. Well...he came in and read his chart and said. Your negitive!!!! What? i thought to myself...then i proceded to ask for what? he said for some sugar test...and i said no I think i pregnant and he left and proceded to do the real test and returned with a positive!!!!!!!!
What a relief!
Jordan and I took a trip to florida this April which was so much fun, and relaxation. While we were there we got pregnant...planned? Yes of course! Anyhow we both were driving home and i was just totally being rediculous because i was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping all the way home. And for those of you that know Jord he is a terrible driver at night. So i kinda slept with one eye open. To say the least i really couldn't stay awake. So we arrived home and for two days straight i continued to have these lengthy naps and felt really great afterwords. But i started to get a little suspicious. So i went up stairs and got out my pregnancy test and of course took a pee. Anyways, Jord was out cutting the lawn and i thought hey lets just see? Well i sat there waiting and waiting and reading every line on the paper that comes in the box...i has already read it over so many times but i needed something to keep it off my mind. So when the time was up i quickly grabbed the stick and read two pink lines!!!! I said "oh my God! i am pregnant!" i paced in the hallway for a while and kept staring at the stick. Then i rushed downstairs and yelled for jord out in the backyard. He was filling up the lawnmore with gas and ended up spilling it everywhere. Eventually he came in and i showed him the stick! Ahhhhh, wow is this for real i think is what he said! We hughed and laughed and then he said "We have got to go to the Doctor's to make sure this is true!"
So the next day i left work and went to see the Doctor...i waited in the waiting room what felt like an hour. Then i got called in and i said to the lady bringing me back to the room. "I think i am pregnant can i have a urine sample cup?" So went down the cold white hallway to the bathroom. I brought back the sample and set it in the area where they do the tests, just to be helpful! I went to my room and sat down grabbed a magazine and pretended that i wasn't waiting for the biggest news of my life to come walking in dressed in a white coat. Well...he came in and read his chart and said. Your negitive!!!! What? i thought to myself...then i proceded to ask for what? he said for some sugar test...and i said no I think i pregnant and he left and proceded to do the real test and returned with a positive!!!!!!!!
What a relief!
Christianity...not for me!
this time i feel like shit because i realize that not one person i know is willing to join jordan and i in hamilton here...and i am getting to the point where i feel like it sucks. I tend to think that God would come through in some way you know? But clearly as Jordan would say we can know what it was like to be Jesus feeling quiet abandon and alone! Well to the hell with that...no more for me thanks. i have had it up to my eyeballs with being different and never finding anyone to relate too on issues of faith! I mean we even sit in bible study last night and the issue that we talk about is swearing and if we should do that or not...and man i wanted to scream...THE ONLY THING THAT CONCERNS YOU PEOPLE IS WHEATHER OR NOT WE SWEAR AS CHRISTIANS! How about things like are we really living out our faith if we live in a way that oppresses people? Ah, so i through up my hands and say...forget it...i want to stop doing this different life and really get into what everyone else is like cause that will just feel better. And frankley being different and feeling concerned about how we choose to live just further alienates us from the world around us. And really at the end of the day Jordan isn't enough for me. Each person that is a potential friend or friends from before i made the dicision to live hear are all on a different page than me! I can't talk about my real feelings because they just offend people. They think i am judging them?
So i sit in my house and i say forget it...i have hit the wall and i am no longer willing to do this. So I will be a consumer with you...i will only care about money and sucess and i will forget what i thought was knowing God just for the sake of having a friend or two. Cause for me feeling accepted and loved is something i want at the core of who i am, and being this way...isn't even meeting one my needs.
You may read this and wonder what the hell i am talking about and think to yourself...that is okay jill just be free from this...but i feel and emence amount of guilt cause if i choose this other road I am no longer argreeing that i am a christ follower. And i guess today is the first day in my journey where i say that i am not wanting to know Christ or find out what he loved because when i went down that road i only found NOTHINGNESS...ABANDONMENT...and frankly if we all get into the kingdom at the end no matter what we pursue and love and see as Gods in our life then i say FORGET IT! Why should i live a life that is seperate and seek that pursuit of love if i am simply just going to remain with God in the end anyway. That is where that prayer makes sense i guess. That prayer that we all pray and the conversion moment that seemed so shallow until today...i guess I will go back to that prayer and say thanks and realize that is all our faith is...just a simple prayer and no choice after that other than be a nice person and don't swear... hell anyone can do that...so count me in...that the REAL DEAL count me out cause it sucks!
Signed a person who thinks christianity is more but doesn't want to do it anymore!
Jill
So i sit in my house and i say forget it...i have hit the wall and i am no longer willing to do this. So I will be a consumer with you...i will only care about money and sucess and i will forget what i thought was knowing God just for the sake of having a friend or two. Cause for me feeling accepted and loved is something i want at the core of who i am, and being this way...isn't even meeting one my needs.
You may read this and wonder what the hell i am talking about and think to yourself...that is okay jill just be free from this...but i feel and emence amount of guilt cause if i choose this other road I am no longer argreeing that i am a christ follower. And i guess today is the first day in my journey where i say that i am not wanting to know Christ or find out what he loved because when i went down that road i only found NOTHINGNESS...ABANDONMENT...and frankly if we all get into the kingdom at the end no matter what we pursue and love and see as Gods in our life then i say FORGET IT! Why should i live a life that is seperate and seek that pursuit of love if i am simply just going to remain with God in the end anyway. That is where that prayer makes sense i guess. That prayer that we all pray and the conversion moment that seemed so shallow until today...i guess I will go back to that prayer and say thanks and realize that is all our faith is...just a simple prayer and no choice after that other than be a nice person and don't swear... hell anyone can do that...so count me in...that the REAL DEAL count me out cause it sucks!
Signed a person who thinks christianity is more but doesn't want to do it anymore!
Jill
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