Christianity...not for me!

this time i feel like shit because i realize that not one person i know is willing to join jordan and i in hamilton here...and i am getting to the point where i feel like it sucks. I tend to think that God would come through in some way you know? But clearly as Jordan would say we can know what it was like to be Jesus feeling quiet abandon and alone! Well to the hell with that...no more for me thanks. i have had it up to my eyeballs with being different and never finding anyone to relate too on issues of faith! I mean we even sit in bible study last night and the issue that we talk about is swearing and if we should do that or not...and man i wanted to scream...THE ONLY THING THAT CONCERNS YOU PEOPLE IS WHEATHER OR NOT WE SWEAR AS CHRISTIANS! How about things like are we really living out our faith if we live in a way that oppresses people? Ah, so i through up my hands and say...forget it...i want to stop doing this different life and really get into what everyone else is like cause that will just feel better. And frankley being different and feeling concerned about how we choose to live just further alienates us from the world around us. And really at the end of the day Jordan isn't enough for me. Each person that is a potential friend or friends from before i made the dicision to live hear are all on a different page than me! I can't talk about my real feelings because they just offend people. They think i am judging them?

So i sit in my house and i say forget it...i have hit the wall and i am no longer willing to do this. So I will be a consumer with you...i will only care about money and sucess and i will forget what i thought was knowing God just for the sake of having a friend or two. Cause for me feeling accepted and loved is something i want at the core of who i am, and being this way...isn't even meeting one my needs.

You may read this and wonder what the hell i am talking about and think to yourself...that is okay jill just be free from this...but i feel and emence amount of guilt cause if i choose this other road I am no longer argreeing that i am a christ follower. And i guess today is the first day in my journey where i say that i am not wanting to know Christ or find out what he loved because when i went down that road i only found NOTHINGNESS...ABANDONMENT...and frankly if we all get into the kingdom at the end no matter what we pursue and love and see as Gods in our life then i say FORGET IT! Why should i live a life that is seperate and seek that pursuit of love if i am simply just going to remain with God in the end anyway. That is where that prayer makes sense i guess. That prayer that we all pray and the conversion moment that seemed so shallow until today...i guess I will go back to that prayer and say thanks and realize that is all our faith is...just a simple prayer and no choice after that other than be a nice person and don't swear... hell anyone can do that...so count me in...that the REAL DEAL count me out cause it sucks!

Signed a person who thinks christianity is more but doesn't want to do it anymore!
Jill