so last night i went out to the fashion show leaving daddy to look after baby...as it turns out she was incrledibly fussy...but when I arrived back from the show she was sound asleep in his arms. (ironically he didn't tell me until we were in the car that she was sooo fussy)? well to say the least he did what he could but it seemed like it was just one of those nights i guess...
so today i had a doctor's appoinment that i had to go to so he looked after her again... and of course she was fussy...tired maybe and just a little off. And he said it was really hard and i could see it on his face once he told me. It really bothered him that he felt really angered by the situation. And he wanted to freak out he said...well maybe freak out isn't the right word...maybe more like he felt a little out of control with the emotions he was feeling. So we talked and he then thought i would never leave him home with her because he might hurt her? I was sure certain he would never hurt her?
It is funny how being a mom you just do it without thinking and you kinda just deal with the fussy days as they come...because at any moment your entire days plans can be gone in a whim. I think for guys it is just a little harder...they don't spend as much time with the child therefore the ways the child acts can be different from the last time they were alone with them. Right now Aubrey cries and fusses alot when she is sleepy. Kinda fitting the feeling i think...and that can be pretty persistant for an hour or so then she will give in and nap.
I wish there was some magic pill that made it easier for dads considering they only get so much time with the baby. But there is not and well it can be hard then to ever leave the baby home...not because you are worried about the baby but because you are worried about dad, getting too tired and feeling like a failure. I have had weeks and weeks and weeks of time to figure her out and meet her needs and he probably has a week maybe two of time spent with her alone...and i am being generous. So as the story goes we should never make the husband feel bad but only remind the of how much practice we have...that will hopefully put it all in perspective.
signing off as the mom who knows it's hard to mother when you are the dad
rainy wheather and a fashion show
tonight i am venturing out with two girlfriends leaving daddy to look after Aubrey! i am going to a fashion show and dinner. mostly interested in getting out and supporting my mom's house, all the procedes go to her house. So here i am just getting all geared up for a rare night out with the girls. I hope we have a good time.
new blog spot
so i am pissing off my husband today!!! I have an edge and as we speak he is kinda pissing me off too! the response that i have is well that's just life isn't it.
one thing i really hate is going to the mall...trying things on after having a baby is literal torchure, but at the same time it also can be nice to get something that fits your new body after having a kid...and i think it is safe to say that you really don't bounce back after nine weeks let alone if ever???
But i got a couple things i feel alright in and some that i tried on for hubby that once he saw made me realize maybe they should go back...at any rate that is life today.
We are also thinking or should i say are selling our house. we have lived here three years now and i think i feel a little sad to leave...i love moving don't get me wrong but the thought of it kinda scares me! On top of the fact that i will be living with other people....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ya other people if you think you didn't hear it right the first time...we are going to dive head first into community living something i have done before but hated...so i guess i am going for a second round just for kicks.
signing off as the new person....fully expressed over the internet!
one thing i really hate is going to the mall...trying things on after having a baby is literal torchure, but at the same time it also can be nice to get something that fits your new body after having a kid...and i think it is safe to say that you really don't bounce back after nine weeks let alone if ever???
But i got a couple things i feel alright in and some that i tried on for hubby that once he saw made me realize maybe they should go back...at any rate that is life today.
We are also thinking or should i say are selling our house. we have lived here three years now and i think i feel a little sad to leave...i love moving don't get me wrong but the thought of it kinda scares me! On top of the fact that i will be living with other people....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ya other people if you think you didn't hear it right the first time...we are going to dive head first into community living something i have done before but hated...so i guess i am going for a second round just for kicks.
signing off as the new person....fully expressed over the internet!
Pregnancy 16 weeks and one day
This is the most exciting time in my life...having a baby a little one at the moment is growing inside me and it is really hard to believe. i thought it would be a great idea now that most people know i am pregnant to write down some of my thoughts throughout. The first thing is the story.
Jordan and I took a trip to florida this April which was so much fun, and relaxation. While we were there we got pregnant...planned? Yes of course! Anyhow we both were driving home and i was just totally being rediculous because i was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping all the way home. And for those of you that know Jord he is a terrible driver at night. So i kinda slept with one eye open. To say the least i really couldn't stay awake. So we arrived home and for two days straight i continued to have these lengthy naps and felt really great afterwords. But i started to get a little suspicious. So i went up stairs and got out my pregnancy test and of course took a pee. Anyways, Jord was out cutting the lawn and i thought hey lets just see? Well i sat there waiting and waiting and reading every line on the paper that comes in the box...i has already read it over so many times but i needed something to keep it off my mind. So when the time was up i quickly grabbed the stick and read two pink lines!!!! I said "oh my God! i am pregnant!" i paced in the hallway for a while and kept staring at the stick. Then i rushed downstairs and yelled for jord out in the backyard. He was filling up the lawnmore with gas and ended up spilling it everywhere. Eventually he came in and i showed him the stick! Ahhhhh, wow is this for real i think is what he said! We hughed and laughed and then he said "We have got to go to the Doctor's to make sure this is true!"
So the next day i left work and went to see the Doctor...i waited in the waiting room what felt like an hour. Then i got called in and i said to the lady bringing me back to the room. "I think i am pregnant can i have a urine sample cup?" So went down the cold white hallway to the bathroom. I brought back the sample and set it in the area where they do the tests, just to be helpful! I went to my room and sat down grabbed a magazine and pretended that i wasn't waiting for the biggest news of my life to come walking in dressed in a white coat. Well...he came in and read his chart and said. Your negitive!!!! What? i thought to myself...then i proceded to ask for what? he said for some sugar test...and i said no I think i pregnant and he left and proceded to do the real test and returned with a positive!!!!!!!!
What a relief!
Jordan and I took a trip to florida this April which was so much fun, and relaxation. While we were there we got pregnant...planned? Yes of course! Anyhow we both were driving home and i was just totally being rediculous because i was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping all the way home. And for those of you that know Jord he is a terrible driver at night. So i kinda slept with one eye open. To say the least i really couldn't stay awake. So we arrived home and for two days straight i continued to have these lengthy naps and felt really great afterwords. But i started to get a little suspicious. So i went up stairs and got out my pregnancy test and of course took a pee. Anyways, Jord was out cutting the lawn and i thought hey lets just see? Well i sat there waiting and waiting and reading every line on the paper that comes in the box...i has already read it over so many times but i needed something to keep it off my mind. So when the time was up i quickly grabbed the stick and read two pink lines!!!! I said "oh my God! i am pregnant!" i paced in the hallway for a while and kept staring at the stick. Then i rushed downstairs and yelled for jord out in the backyard. He was filling up the lawnmore with gas and ended up spilling it everywhere. Eventually he came in and i showed him the stick! Ahhhhh, wow is this for real i think is what he said! We hughed and laughed and then he said "We have got to go to the Doctor's to make sure this is true!"
So the next day i left work and went to see the Doctor...i waited in the waiting room what felt like an hour. Then i got called in and i said to the lady bringing me back to the room. "I think i am pregnant can i have a urine sample cup?" So went down the cold white hallway to the bathroom. I brought back the sample and set it in the area where they do the tests, just to be helpful! I went to my room and sat down grabbed a magazine and pretended that i wasn't waiting for the biggest news of my life to come walking in dressed in a white coat. Well...he came in and read his chart and said. Your negitive!!!! What? i thought to myself...then i proceded to ask for what? he said for some sugar test...and i said no I think i pregnant and he left and proceded to do the real test and returned with a positive!!!!!!!!
What a relief!
Christianity...not for me!
this time i feel like shit because i realize that not one person i know is willing to join jordan and i in hamilton here...and i am getting to the point where i feel like it sucks. I tend to think that God would come through in some way you know? But clearly as Jordan would say we can know what it was like to be Jesus feeling quiet abandon and alone! Well to the hell with that...no more for me thanks. i have had it up to my eyeballs with being different and never finding anyone to relate too on issues of faith! I mean we even sit in bible study last night and the issue that we talk about is swearing and if we should do that or not...and man i wanted to scream...THE ONLY THING THAT CONCERNS YOU PEOPLE IS WHEATHER OR NOT WE SWEAR AS CHRISTIANS! How about things like are we really living out our faith if we live in a way that oppresses people? Ah, so i through up my hands and say...forget it...i want to stop doing this different life and really get into what everyone else is like cause that will just feel better. And frankley being different and feeling concerned about how we choose to live just further alienates us from the world around us. And really at the end of the day Jordan isn't enough for me. Each person that is a potential friend or friends from before i made the dicision to live hear are all on a different page than me! I can't talk about my real feelings because they just offend people. They think i am judging them?
So i sit in my house and i say forget it...i have hit the wall and i am no longer willing to do this. So I will be a consumer with you...i will only care about money and sucess and i will forget what i thought was knowing God just for the sake of having a friend or two. Cause for me feeling accepted and loved is something i want at the core of who i am, and being this way...isn't even meeting one my needs.
You may read this and wonder what the hell i am talking about and think to yourself...that is okay jill just be free from this...but i feel and emence amount of guilt cause if i choose this other road I am no longer argreeing that i am a christ follower. And i guess today is the first day in my journey where i say that i am not wanting to know Christ or find out what he loved because when i went down that road i only found NOTHINGNESS...ABANDONMENT...and frankly if we all get into the kingdom at the end no matter what we pursue and love and see as Gods in our life then i say FORGET IT! Why should i live a life that is seperate and seek that pursuit of love if i am simply just going to remain with God in the end anyway. That is where that prayer makes sense i guess. That prayer that we all pray and the conversion moment that seemed so shallow until today...i guess I will go back to that prayer and say thanks and realize that is all our faith is...just a simple prayer and no choice after that other than be a nice person and don't swear... hell anyone can do that...so count me in...that the REAL DEAL count me out cause it sucks!
Signed a person who thinks christianity is more but doesn't want to do it anymore!
Jill
So i sit in my house and i say forget it...i have hit the wall and i am no longer willing to do this. So I will be a consumer with you...i will only care about money and sucess and i will forget what i thought was knowing God just for the sake of having a friend or two. Cause for me feeling accepted and loved is something i want at the core of who i am, and being this way...isn't even meeting one my needs.
You may read this and wonder what the hell i am talking about and think to yourself...that is okay jill just be free from this...but i feel and emence amount of guilt cause if i choose this other road I am no longer argreeing that i am a christ follower. And i guess today is the first day in my journey where i say that i am not wanting to know Christ or find out what he loved because when i went down that road i only found NOTHINGNESS...ABANDONMENT...and frankly if we all get into the kingdom at the end no matter what we pursue and love and see as Gods in our life then i say FORGET IT! Why should i live a life that is seperate and seek that pursuit of love if i am simply just going to remain with God in the end anyway. That is where that prayer makes sense i guess. That prayer that we all pray and the conversion moment that seemed so shallow until today...i guess I will go back to that prayer and say thanks and realize that is all our faith is...just a simple prayer and no choice after that other than be a nice person and don't swear... hell anyone can do that...so count me in...that the REAL DEAL count me out cause it sucks!
Signed a person who thinks christianity is more but doesn't want to do it anymore!
Jill
obsorb this!
Of course i know that life is better understood when you can fully grasp why people make decisions that they do. I mean the more you understand where people come from and who they are and what makes them tick...you will understand them in the decisions that they make. I just am having the hardest time understanding how you give up on something like for instance marriage without giving it all you got.
I want to jump into the minds of two people that i love dearly and understand why they can't choose change over selfishnesss. I have been a sure advocate for being kinda self-seeking at times. But in this senario it just doesn't make sense. You see they have been married for some time now with two kids and they desperately need help in the area of knowing how to love each other and meet each others needs. But somewhere in this game "they might say" of marriage he isn't meeting her needs and she isn't meeting his. Far be it from me to have a clue what it will be like when i have been married 8 years and have two kids....will i forget who i am? Who do you become? But the last thing i would want it to give up.
I grew up refusing to be what my parents were in many respects failures at understanding who they were in the grand sceem of marriage. They didn't have the first clue!!! and well i promised myself that i would not go down that same path.
But i am watching as one of the marriages i loved and cared about and stood for...is coming to a very desperate spot...where the only thing that seems managable is to have one person leave. SHit that sucks. Watching it is even harder because i don't have any answers and certainly very little if any advice.
I will choose one thing though...to do anything and everything i can to support and help anyone who is in need of a place to live or stay and a place they can call home. That is all i can offer and really when i think back to what i bought the mary street house for i think it was for just that...and maybe just for this...But God damit it makes me angry that i can nothing else to offer than a bed and a voice that says welcome in...
I want to be that voice that gives people a reason to change and a reason to turn back to who they loved...i want to be the voice who says this is not acceptable...i want to be OUTSPOKEN ON MATTERS LIKE THESE... but i return to sanity where you find that no matter how much you say and how much you don't say they are one in the same...it will be TIME that will change things....I THINK?
I want to jump into the minds of two people that i love dearly and understand why they can't choose change over selfishnesss. I have been a sure advocate for being kinda self-seeking at times. But in this senario it just doesn't make sense. You see they have been married for some time now with two kids and they desperately need help in the area of knowing how to love each other and meet each others needs. But somewhere in this game "they might say" of marriage he isn't meeting her needs and she isn't meeting his. Far be it from me to have a clue what it will be like when i have been married 8 years and have two kids....will i forget who i am? Who do you become? But the last thing i would want it to give up.
I grew up refusing to be what my parents were in many respects failures at understanding who they were in the grand sceem of marriage. They didn't have the first clue!!! and well i promised myself that i would not go down that same path.
But i am watching as one of the marriages i loved and cared about and stood for...is coming to a very desperate spot...where the only thing that seems managable is to have one person leave. SHit that sucks. Watching it is even harder because i don't have any answers and certainly very little if any advice.
I will choose one thing though...to do anything and everything i can to support and help anyone who is in need of a place to live or stay and a place they can call home. That is all i can offer and really when i think back to what i bought the mary street house for i think it was for just that...and maybe just for this...But God damit it makes me angry that i can nothing else to offer than a bed and a voice that says welcome in...
I want to be that voice that gives people a reason to change and a reason to turn back to who they loved...i want to be the voice who says this is not acceptable...i want to be OUTSPOKEN ON MATTERS LIKE THESE... but i return to sanity where you find that no matter how much you say and how much you don't say they are one in the same...it will be TIME that will change things....I THINK?
A new day has begun
If you have been following my journal entries you will see the trend that i will write more once i am home in Hamilton. i really love being here...Today marks a great day for me...we are having a young kid come live with us for the year...i think it should be a great experience and i love having this house filled with people.
The summer at camp ended well but it was very hard season or our life. We love working in ministry and working for camp but we also love being in our home community...i wish the two were in the same place so that we wouldn't miss anything while we are gone for the summer. I have asked my husband to allow us to stay home for our vacation cause i really miss it that much...really funny eh? Everyone else in the world wants to go away...get out of the city but i just want to stay cause i have missed it sooo much...
Well time to depart... I am really looking forward to journaling again...
cheers
The summer at camp ended well but it was very hard season or our life. We love working in ministry and working for camp but we also love being in our home community...i wish the two were in the same place so that we wouldn't miss anything while we are gone for the summer. I have asked my husband to allow us to stay home for our vacation cause i really miss it that much...really funny eh? Everyone else in the world wants to go away...get out of the city but i just want to stay cause i have missed it sooo much...
Well time to depart... I am really looking forward to journaling again...
cheers
my life at camp
I have started working at camp full time for the summer, this year and it has been a real challenge. Having a love for kids i run an LIT program for christian kids ages15-16. It has been really great getting to know each one of them. I love the job and hate it all at once. But as you begin to get to know these kids more and more they are really amazing because they feel safe to share how they feel. And some of the hurts and pains of these kids lives comes out while sharing with some of my staff. It really breaks your heart to know how they have been hurt by strangers and family, and people that are suppose to protect them...
The other aspect of my life that is really hard right now is living in community. both me and my husband share a house with another couple. It has been really hard to share a home and share jobs as well. I have really learned a lot about living in communuity and how hard it really is. You all come with your own ways of seeing the world and how the home should function. Something really interesting is that we had never had a house meeting until all shit broke loose. But once that was handled it is like living in a new house. If i could suggest anything to people who are choosing to go this route of communial living that you need to take time to realize that is what you are doing and talk and act and live in that knowledge...otherwise you will try to live indepently of the community and that doesn't work....
At any rate things aren't perfect but we are on the road to a better understanding of what communtiy is? I think?
The other aspect of my life that is really hard right now is living in community. both me and my husband share a house with another couple. It has been really hard to share a home and share jobs as well. I have really learned a lot about living in communuity and how hard it really is. You all come with your own ways of seeing the world and how the home should function. Something really interesting is that we had never had a house meeting until all shit broke loose. But once that was handled it is like living in a new house. If i could suggest anything to people who are choosing to go this route of communial living that you need to take time to realize that is what you are doing and talk and act and live in that knowledge...otherwise you will try to live indepently of the community and that doesn't work....
At any rate things aren't perfect but we are on the road to a better understanding of what communtiy is? I think?
good to know who you are
What i wish i knew!
I know who I am
I know who i could become
I know who God can make me
I know what i was created for
I know that he is my rock
I know that he makes me whole
I know that sometimes i don''t know where he is
I know that i still trust Him!
What i know for sure
I am who i am today with all my mistakes
with all my shortcomings, I am in his Grace
JD
I know who I am
I know who i could become
I know who God can make me
I know what i was created for
I know that he is my rock
I know that he makes me whole
I know that sometimes i don''t know where he is
I know that i still trust Him!
What i know for sure
I am who i am today with all my mistakes
with all my shortcomings, I am in his Grace
JD
It has been to long
I haven't written in a really long time and i begin to feel an emence amount of saddness when i can't write too. The other day Jordan and i really struggled through a hard issue revolving around things i may not list. But it broke me to the core... we sat across from one another is a room full of silence hurt and pain. Pain sometimes is not intentional but evently it can become that. I cried as he shared and he cried as he confessed, eventually the pain turned into joy and hurt into holding each other. Evently our oneness overcame our selfishness, and thus began the journey of reconciliation between husband and wife. I do not believe i would have patience for these things unless ther was a spirit convicted me to care and share in other peoples burdens and pains. I love that! I love that my God knows that pain can turn into reconciliation. It really is the beauty of Christianity.
To all those who feel pain, know it and can rejoice to get out of it...praise one person for that...God. Otherwise the pain can stick on you like vomit!
Jill
To all those who feel pain, know it and can rejoice to get out of it...praise one person for that...God. Otherwise the pain can stick on you like vomit!
Jill
come what may
today i begin the journey to what you could call "sacrifice?" I know i know it may sound like i am self proclaiming my goodness but as the story unfolds it won't seem that way.
It began with the spread of a rumour that we needed someone to look after our house while we were gone. The next step was a phone call from someone who needed one. The next step was well getting into the idea and realizing that i would be sharing my home with other people? People i maybe don't know the habits of. If you were to ask my husband what i am like he would describe me as a little bit of a neat freak? opps! At any rate..it has taken me a long time to figure out how i would allow other people to move into my bed, my cupboards, my home essientially? I am about to meet the people and show them around tonight. They are a family and well.... the thought of a family here really makes me so excited. But i do feel that sense of well...it is my home...and well what rules should i make? What should they pay if they break something? What if they never pay? All these thoughts are still running through my mind but i am realizing really how great this process is. I am glad that God continues to teach me and i am sure when the summer is over and we return back to mary...(that is the name of our house) I will know much more about why this process started and where it will take us.
Jill
It began with the spread of a rumour that we needed someone to look after our house while we were gone. The next step was a phone call from someone who needed one. The next step was well getting into the idea and realizing that i would be sharing my home with other people? People i maybe don't know the habits of. If you were to ask my husband what i am like he would describe me as a little bit of a neat freak? opps! At any rate..it has taken me a long time to figure out how i would allow other people to move into my bed, my cupboards, my home essientially? I am about to meet the people and show them around tonight. They are a family and well.... the thought of a family here really makes me so excited. But i do feel that sense of well...it is my home...and well what rules should i make? What should they pay if they break something? What if they never pay? All these thoughts are still running through my mind but i am realizing really how great this process is. I am glad that God continues to teach me and i am sure when the summer is over and we return back to mary...(that is the name of our house) I will know much more about why this process started and where it will take us.
Jill
the kids on my street
There is a house only about 7 down from mine. It has all these kids in it with a lawn that is covered in crap...whatever you can think of is on their lawn. Today was about the 20ith time the cops have been to there place. I was sitting in my house just resting on the couch and I was jolted awake when i heard..."fuck you you stupid bitch" i went to the window and there was one of them yelling at one of the girls. I wanted to go out there and kick that kids ass. But i was thinking you never know if these kids carry guns? What at thought huh?
So i grabbed my sweater and went to the porch to see what i could see outside. And there they all were outside in their landfill front yard talking to three cops. The cops aren't saying much and the kids are just trying as hard as they can to keep their cool. As i gazed the street, all the people in the neighbourhood were out to see what was going on? I came back into my house once it all settled down, and thought of all the ways i could get these dumb ass kids out of my neighbourhood? ha...nice one eh? Then i began to reflect about what i could do to reach out and maybe see what these kids are all about. I am not sure how they live in the place they do? Where they get their money? But there are no parents there, and their is a new puppy that has somehow made it into the mix. when i was thinking about them and it brought tears to my eyes..i wished that i was a guy...I desperately wanted to invite them over for pizza and kinda just see what they are like? Made me really nervous and i knew it wouln't be the best thing considering Jord wasn't home. But it was then that i realized that i really want to love kids that have rough lives...that have to make it on the street...I am thankful for where I am cause there is no escaping the reality of who i want to become. I hear loud noises, neighbours that don't just say to there dogs "come here" they yell "get in here you asshole" It kinda makes me laugh...real people...you would never experience that in other neighbourhoods.
I often think about what kind of lives these kids have had? What they have experienced growing up...I know that they desperately need love! So i was hoping that my friend would come here one day and make friends with these neighbours? I would like to see what he could teach me...what he would do...if he would protect them care for them and love them? It would be nice to see what happens....i want to give them hope for something...dignity...humaity!
I thank God for 230 Mary...i had a gentle reminder of why i am here!
So i grabbed my sweater and went to the porch to see what i could see outside. And there they all were outside in their landfill front yard talking to three cops. The cops aren't saying much and the kids are just trying as hard as they can to keep their cool. As i gazed the street, all the people in the neighbourhood were out to see what was going on? I came back into my house once it all settled down, and thought of all the ways i could get these dumb ass kids out of my neighbourhood? ha...nice one eh? Then i began to reflect about what i could do to reach out and maybe see what these kids are all about. I am not sure how they live in the place they do? Where they get their money? But there are no parents there, and their is a new puppy that has somehow made it into the mix. when i was thinking about them and it brought tears to my eyes..i wished that i was a guy...I desperately wanted to invite them over for pizza and kinda just see what they are like? Made me really nervous and i knew it wouln't be the best thing considering Jord wasn't home. But it was then that i realized that i really want to love kids that have rough lives...that have to make it on the street...I am thankful for where I am cause there is no escaping the reality of who i want to become. I hear loud noises, neighbours that don't just say to there dogs "come here" they yell "get in here you asshole" It kinda makes me laugh...real people...you would never experience that in other neighbourhoods.
I often think about what kind of lives these kids have had? What they have experienced growing up...I know that they desperately need love! So i was hoping that my friend would come here one day and make friends with these neighbours? I would like to see what he could teach me...what he would do...if he would protect them care for them and love them? It would be nice to see what happens....i want to give them hope for something...dignity...humaity!
I thank God for 230 Mary...i had a gentle reminder of why i am here!
is someone playing some sick joke on me?
I often wonder if there is someone playing a crule joke on me. I grew up being a pretty stable person not much really fazed me, my looks, my personality...but now it feels like i am falling appart? My confidence becomes reliant on my weight and my measuring stick is not longer myself. It is every girl out there that knows that they have beat me. My sister my friends, i was always the one who was considered the small one. Now i look at all the friends that i know or once new and the goal is losing wieght and being skinny. Now i am the one looking in the mirror asking myself the question "what do i do" I hate the way I look and people know i have gained weight...and well i suppose to beleive my husband who tells me i am Beautiful! Ha, ya right the only filter that i have is me and the rest of the female persuasion that tells me who i am...not some man who doesn't know the differnce between size 8 and size 13. I do and I hate it and i loath it and i spite it....this ideal...Guys often think that we are beautful. But they are not the enemy in the pitiful game...it is the other women, the best friend, the sister, the mother. Weird? (You may think to yourself if you are a guy?) But its really true!
I was speaking to my girlfriend and she weighs less than me now and I was very vulnerable with her about this over the phone...that i wasn't feeling good that i knew i had gained the married pounds. She once stood in my shoes, where i am now...but guess what? she told me all the wrong things..she took me to all the stores and tried on all the outfits...it just hurt...myabe I have the wrong friends? I am not sure? But you currently can't choose your family...and even then things are said. I told my weight to my sister and it was as if i made her feel better. I imagined that she said to herself...(wow i don't weigh that much and i am a foot taller than her?) I sunk in my chair...It doesn't matter what you teach a girl this will always happen. It is like this vicous circle and it will never stop. Girls compare to girls.
I ask God to allow me see that i am defined my him...to rest in his glory...but i fear that if i do find significance in God ( i won''t care about what i weigh?) Does that sound weird or what! The other issue is that i really don't know if this is normal? Do you gain weight in your mid twenties? Do you go on the Pill and gain weight and when you stop it takes months to loose? Ahhhhhh! I have no one that i really feel comfortable asking these questions too. One i don't trust the women I know to give honest anwers because they filter it through their own weight issues.
Heck though, man i really sympathize with other women that struggle with this issue. And i have apoligized to women that i have hurt in this way when i was really small. I was insensitive and mean...and well i never knew how destructive it was! I only write about this issue on rare occasion this may be my second time. I have weird thoughts though like i should be pregnant to weigh and look like i do! I mean i know pregnant women that are trying to loose weight but they have a reason you know kinda a excuse to look a little more overweight? At the end of the day...I feel no better or worse about myself when i write it but i really do wish that i could find that one person to continue to come along side me with this and nurture a correct behaviour... i was thinking to myself today...what do you label someone like me...I am not anorexic, bulimic, or obesise...i am just sick in the mind? IF that make sense.
signed off
I was speaking to my girlfriend and she weighs less than me now and I was very vulnerable with her about this over the phone...that i wasn't feeling good that i knew i had gained the married pounds. She once stood in my shoes, where i am now...but guess what? she told me all the wrong things..she took me to all the stores and tried on all the outfits...it just hurt...myabe I have the wrong friends? I am not sure? But you currently can't choose your family...and even then things are said. I told my weight to my sister and it was as if i made her feel better. I imagined that she said to herself...(wow i don't weigh that much and i am a foot taller than her?) I sunk in my chair...It doesn't matter what you teach a girl this will always happen. It is like this vicous circle and it will never stop. Girls compare to girls.
I ask God to allow me see that i am defined my him...to rest in his glory...but i fear that if i do find significance in God ( i won''t care about what i weigh?) Does that sound weird or what! The other issue is that i really don't know if this is normal? Do you gain weight in your mid twenties? Do you go on the Pill and gain weight and when you stop it takes months to loose? Ahhhhhh! I have no one that i really feel comfortable asking these questions too. One i don't trust the women I know to give honest anwers because they filter it through their own weight issues.
Heck though, man i really sympathize with other women that struggle with this issue. And i have apoligized to women that i have hurt in this way when i was really small. I was insensitive and mean...and well i never knew how destructive it was! I only write about this issue on rare occasion this may be my second time. I have weird thoughts though like i should be pregnant to weigh and look like i do! I mean i know pregnant women that are trying to loose weight but they have a reason you know kinda a excuse to look a little more overweight? At the end of the day...I feel no better or worse about myself when i write it but i really do wish that i could find that one person to continue to come along side me with this and nurture a correct behaviour... i was thinking to myself today...what do you label someone like me...I am not anorexic, bulimic, or obesise...i am just sick in the mind? IF that make sense.
signed off
i still can feel the tension
I went away to chicago where the hussle and bussel is everywhere. there i was at a conference, in a church that was so big i felt like the mall that i have in my town is small in camparision. Strange really the fact that this place was so large anyone who didn't know the place had a map to get around with...I was surrounded by the white man in every direction i looked it was a church that was populated by the rich white man. And the american one at that. i was really enthralled with the training that they have, but really confused at the idea of the people that are God's people where missing. they don't have fast cars and nice homes, they live on the streets and in the tiny spaces no one sees. Well to say the least i have learned that i would never attend a church of 20,000...where is the relationship there?
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