is someone playing some sick joke on me?

I often wonder if there is someone playing a crule joke on me. I grew up being a pretty stable person not much really fazed me, my looks, my personality...but now it feels like i am falling appart? My confidence becomes reliant on my weight and my measuring stick is not longer myself. It is every girl out there that knows that they have beat me. My sister my friends, i was always the one who was considered the small one. Now i look at all the friends that i know or once new and the goal is losing wieght and being skinny. Now i am the one looking in the mirror asking myself the question "what do i do" I hate the way I look and people know i have gained weight...and well i suppose to beleive my husband who tells me i am Beautiful! Ha, ya right the only filter that i have is me and the rest of the female persuasion that tells me who i am...not some man who doesn't know the differnce between size 8 and size 13. I do and I hate it and i loath it and i spite it....this ideal...Guys often think that we are beautful. But they are not the enemy in the pitiful game...it is the other women, the best friend, the sister, the mother. Weird? (You may think to yourself if you are a guy?) But its really true!

I was speaking to my girlfriend and she weighs less than me now and I was very vulnerable with her about this over the phone...that i wasn't feeling good that i knew i had gained the married pounds. She once stood in my shoes, where i am now...but guess what? she told me all the wrong things..she took me to all the stores and tried on all the outfits...it just hurt...myabe I have the wrong friends? I am not sure? But you currently can't choose your family...and even then things are said. I told my weight to my sister and it was as if i made her feel better. I imagined that she said to herself...(wow i don't weigh that much and i am a foot taller than her?) I sunk in my chair...It doesn't matter what you teach a girl this will always happen. It is like this vicous circle and it will never stop. Girls compare to girls.

I ask God to allow me see that i am defined my him...to rest in his glory...but i fear that if i do find significance in God ( i won''t care about what i weigh?) Does that sound weird or what! The other issue is that i really don't know if this is normal? Do you gain weight in your mid twenties? Do you go on the Pill and gain weight and when you stop it takes months to loose? Ahhhhhh! I have no one that i really feel comfortable asking these questions too. One i don't trust the women I know to give honest anwers because they filter it through their own weight issues.

Heck though, man i really sympathize with other women that struggle with this issue. And i have apoligized to women that i have hurt in this way when i was really small. I was insensitive and mean...and well i never knew how destructive it was! I only write about this issue on rare occasion this may be my second time. I have weird thoughts though like i should be pregnant to weigh and look like i do! I mean i know pregnant women that are trying to loose weight but they have a reason you know kinda a excuse to look a little more overweight? At the end of the day...I feel no better or worse about myself when i write it but i really do wish that i could find that one person to continue to come along side me with this and nurture a correct behaviour... i was thinking to myself today...what do you label someone like me...I am not anorexic, bulimic, or obesise...i am just sick in the mind? IF that make sense.
signed off