Marriage??

Marriage...you look forward to it...you are suppose to dream about as a girl...make a scrap book of it...and remember forever....The cost..... thousands, and i am not just talking money.

I reflect after being married only four months now. We being my husband and I have had an interesting beginning. It started really well and it continues to be good just maybe not fantastic. I mean every girl i think in this world has some sort of distorted view about marriage whether positive or negative. I on the other hand thought that i had a realistic view of what marriage would be...full of ups and downs and lots of hard work. Well i was right....and then some! My husband and I, we have found that we are actually complete opposites, he is intoverted i am extroverted. He is a thinking person, i am a feeling person. To put it clearly we are polar opposited in regards to how we view life.

I am drained tired and afraid that we need the help of somebody else to help us communicate and hear each other. I guess i should not be afraid that we need help just more wished that my fantasy's were true...that it simply gets easier and that you begin to understand each other more as time goes on. I feel the opposite of that i feel we are losing what we worked hard for and are gaining only walls that will tear this relationship a part. I fear for the times when i want to run, when i tell myself that being on this earth sucks. When i am suppose to love, my natural instint is to hate. Then i begin to hate the person that this marriage has created. Bitter, removed, never smiling and always wondering when the touch of my beloved husband would be nice and warm and kind.

I will not remove the blame of most of what has happened between us on him. He is not at fault. I come from a twisted background where all i saw was conflict and power and control issues between my parents. The tools that i gained i have not applied to my own life, but merely give advice to others. I feel most days like i am starting a cycle of depression and lonliness and hatred for the God that i am to call saviour. I call out and he does not answer, i seek but there is no place to find him. Desperate to not repeat my mothers and my fathers cycle's i fight and fight and fight...but i become what i do not want and i repeat the only thing that i new. As i was a child i thought like a child and frankly that doesn't change the moment that you are married...i continue my childish ways. It would just feel better not to feel, to close all the doors to my heart to not allow anyone into the deepest pains in my life....but adure, i hear my voice calling out and saying i will not be beaten and i will not be broken by my faults ....i will prevail...i will previal.....come out of the ashes of despair and come out of the dark and weary places....come out come out....

I retreat in fear of rejection...that i will speak and not be hear..... that i will talk and someone will think that i am dumb...that i will lead and no one will follow.

signed the prisoner of my own faults.....