This is the most exciting time in my life...having a baby a little one at the moment is growing inside me and it is really hard to believe. i thought it would be a great idea now that most people know i am pregnant to write down some of my thoughts throughout. The first thing is the story.
Jordan and I took a trip to florida this April which was so much fun, and relaxation. While we were there we got pregnant...planned? Yes of course! Anyhow we both were driving home and i was just totally being rediculous because i was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping all the way home. And for those of you that know Jord he is a terrible driver at night. So i kinda slept with one eye open. To say the least i really couldn't stay awake. So we arrived home and for two days straight i continued to have these lengthy naps and felt really great afterwords. But i started to get a little suspicious. So i went up stairs and got out my pregnancy test and of course took a pee. Anyways, Jord was out cutting the lawn and i thought hey lets just see? Well i sat there waiting and waiting and reading every line on the paper that comes in the box...i has already read it over so many times but i needed something to keep it off my mind. So when the time was up i quickly grabbed the stick and read two pink lines!!!! I said "oh my God! i am pregnant!" i paced in the hallway for a while and kept staring at the stick. Then i rushed downstairs and yelled for jord out in the backyard. He was filling up the lawnmore with gas and ended up spilling it everywhere. Eventually he came in and i showed him the stick! Ahhhhh, wow is this for real i think is what he said! We hughed and laughed and then he said "We have got to go to the Doctor's to make sure this is true!"
So the next day i left work and went to see the Doctor...i waited in the waiting room what felt like an hour. Then i got called in and i said to the lady bringing me back to the room. "I think i am pregnant can i have a urine sample cup?" So went down the cold white hallway to the bathroom. I brought back the sample and set it in the area where they do the tests, just to be helpful! I went to my room and sat down grabbed a magazine and pretended that i wasn't waiting for the biggest news of my life to come walking in dressed in a white coat. Well...he came in and read his chart and said. Your negitive!!!! What? i thought to myself...then i proceded to ask for what? he said for some sugar test...and i said no I think i pregnant and he left and proceded to do the real test and returned with a positive!!!!!!!!
What a relief!
Christianity...not for me!
this time i feel like shit because i realize that not one person i know is willing to join jordan and i in hamilton here...and i am getting to the point where i feel like it sucks. I tend to think that God would come through in some way you know? But clearly as Jordan would say we can know what it was like to be Jesus feeling quiet abandon and alone! Well to the hell with that...no more for me thanks. i have had it up to my eyeballs with being different and never finding anyone to relate too on issues of faith! I mean we even sit in bible study last night and the issue that we talk about is swearing and if we should do that or not...and man i wanted to scream...THE ONLY THING THAT CONCERNS YOU PEOPLE IS WHEATHER OR NOT WE SWEAR AS CHRISTIANS! How about things like are we really living out our faith if we live in a way that oppresses people? Ah, so i through up my hands and say...forget it...i want to stop doing this different life and really get into what everyone else is like cause that will just feel better. And frankley being different and feeling concerned about how we choose to live just further alienates us from the world around us. And really at the end of the day Jordan isn't enough for me. Each person that is a potential friend or friends from before i made the dicision to live hear are all on a different page than me! I can't talk about my real feelings because they just offend people. They think i am judging them?
So i sit in my house and i say forget it...i have hit the wall and i am no longer willing to do this. So I will be a consumer with you...i will only care about money and sucess and i will forget what i thought was knowing God just for the sake of having a friend or two. Cause for me feeling accepted and loved is something i want at the core of who i am, and being this way...isn't even meeting one my needs.
You may read this and wonder what the hell i am talking about and think to yourself...that is okay jill just be free from this...but i feel and emence amount of guilt cause if i choose this other road I am no longer argreeing that i am a christ follower. And i guess today is the first day in my journey where i say that i am not wanting to know Christ or find out what he loved because when i went down that road i only found NOTHINGNESS...ABANDONMENT...and frankly if we all get into the kingdom at the end no matter what we pursue and love and see as Gods in our life then i say FORGET IT! Why should i live a life that is seperate and seek that pursuit of love if i am simply just going to remain with God in the end anyway. That is where that prayer makes sense i guess. That prayer that we all pray and the conversion moment that seemed so shallow until today...i guess I will go back to that prayer and say thanks and realize that is all our faith is...just a simple prayer and no choice after that other than be a nice person and don't swear... hell anyone can do that...so count me in...that the REAL DEAL count me out cause it sucks!
Signed a person who thinks christianity is more but doesn't want to do it anymore!
Jill
So i sit in my house and i say forget it...i have hit the wall and i am no longer willing to do this. So I will be a consumer with you...i will only care about money and sucess and i will forget what i thought was knowing God just for the sake of having a friend or two. Cause for me feeling accepted and loved is something i want at the core of who i am, and being this way...isn't even meeting one my needs.
You may read this and wonder what the hell i am talking about and think to yourself...that is okay jill just be free from this...but i feel and emence amount of guilt cause if i choose this other road I am no longer argreeing that i am a christ follower. And i guess today is the first day in my journey where i say that i am not wanting to know Christ or find out what he loved because when i went down that road i only found NOTHINGNESS...ABANDONMENT...and frankly if we all get into the kingdom at the end no matter what we pursue and love and see as Gods in our life then i say FORGET IT! Why should i live a life that is seperate and seek that pursuit of love if i am simply just going to remain with God in the end anyway. That is where that prayer makes sense i guess. That prayer that we all pray and the conversion moment that seemed so shallow until today...i guess I will go back to that prayer and say thanks and realize that is all our faith is...just a simple prayer and no choice after that other than be a nice person and don't swear... hell anyone can do that...so count me in...that the REAL DEAL count me out cause it sucks!
Signed a person who thinks christianity is more but doesn't want to do it anymore!
Jill
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