There is a house only about 7 down from mine. It has all these kids in it with a lawn that is covered in crap...whatever you can think of is on their lawn. Today was about the 20ith time the cops have been to there place. I was sitting in my house just resting on the couch and I was jolted awake when i heard..."fuck you you stupid bitch" i went to the window and there was one of them yelling at one of the girls. I wanted to go out there and kick that kids ass. But i was thinking you never know if these kids carry guns? What at thought huh?
So i grabbed my sweater and went to the porch to see what i could see outside. And there they all were outside in their landfill front yard talking to three cops. The cops aren't saying much and the kids are just trying as hard as they can to keep their cool. As i gazed the street, all the people in the neighbourhood were out to see what was going on? I came back into my house once it all settled down, and thought of all the ways i could get these dumb ass kids out of my neighbourhood? ha...nice one eh? Then i began to reflect about what i could do to reach out and maybe see what these kids are all about. I am not sure how they live in the place they do? Where they get their money? But there are no parents there, and their is a new puppy that has somehow made it into the mix. when i was thinking about them and it brought tears to my eyes..i wished that i was a guy...I desperately wanted to invite them over for pizza and kinda just see what they are like? Made me really nervous and i knew it wouln't be the best thing considering Jord wasn't home. But it was then that i realized that i really want to love kids that have rough lives...that have to make it on the street...I am thankful for where I am cause there is no escaping the reality of who i want to become. I hear loud noises, neighbours that don't just say to there dogs "come here" they yell "get in here you asshole" It kinda makes me laugh...real people...you would never experience that in other neighbourhoods.
I often think about what kind of lives these kids have had? What they have experienced growing up...I know that they desperately need love! So i was hoping that my friend would come here one day and make friends with these neighbours? I would like to see what he could teach me...what he would do...if he would protect them care for them and love them? It would be nice to see what happens....i want to give them hope for something...dignity...humaity!
I thank God for 230 Mary...i had a gentle reminder of why i am here!
is someone playing some sick joke on me?
I often wonder if there is someone playing a crule joke on me. I grew up being a pretty stable person not much really fazed me, my looks, my personality...but now it feels like i am falling appart? My confidence becomes reliant on my weight and my measuring stick is not longer myself. It is every girl out there that knows that they have beat me. My sister my friends, i was always the one who was considered the small one. Now i look at all the friends that i know or once new and the goal is losing wieght and being skinny. Now i am the one looking in the mirror asking myself the question "what do i do" I hate the way I look and people know i have gained weight...and well i suppose to beleive my husband who tells me i am Beautiful! Ha, ya right the only filter that i have is me and the rest of the female persuasion that tells me who i am...not some man who doesn't know the differnce between size 8 and size 13. I do and I hate it and i loath it and i spite it....this ideal...Guys often think that we are beautful. But they are not the enemy in the pitiful game...it is the other women, the best friend, the sister, the mother. Weird? (You may think to yourself if you are a guy?) But its really true!
I was speaking to my girlfriend and she weighs less than me now and I was very vulnerable with her about this over the phone...that i wasn't feeling good that i knew i had gained the married pounds. She once stood in my shoes, where i am now...but guess what? she told me all the wrong things..she took me to all the stores and tried on all the outfits...it just hurt...myabe I have the wrong friends? I am not sure? But you currently can't choose your family...and even then things are said. I told my weight to my sister and it was as if i made her feel better. I imagined that she said to herself...(wow i don't weigh that much and i am a foot taller than her?) I sunk in my chair...It doesn't matter what you teach a girl this will always happen. It is like this vicous circle and it will never stop. Girls compare to girls.
I ask God to allow me see that i am defined my him...to rest in his glory...but i fear that if i do find significance in God ( i won''t care about what i weigh?) Does that sound weird or what! The other issue is that i really don't know if this is normal? Do you gain weight in your mid twenties? Do you go on the Pill and gain weight and when you stop it takes months to loose? Ahhhhhh! I have no one that i really feel comfortable asking these questions too. One i don't trust the women I know to give honest anwers because they filter it through their own weight issues.
Heck though, man i really sympathize with other women that struggle with this issue. And i have apoligized to women that i have hurt in this way when i was really small. I was insensitive and mean...and well i never knew how destructive it was! I only write about this issue on rare occasion this may be my second time. I have weird thoughts though like i should be pregnant to weigh and look like i do! I mean i know pregnant women that are trying to loose weight but they have a reason you know kinda a excuse to look a little more overweight? At the end of the day...I feel no better or worse about myself when i write it but i really do wish that i could find that one person to continue to come along side me with this and nurture a correct behaviour... i was thinking to myself today...what do you label someone like me...I am not anorexic, bulimic, or obesise...i am just sick in the mind? IF that make sense.
signed off
I was speaking to my girlfriend and she weighs less than me now and I was very vulnerable with her about this over the phone...that i wasn't feeling good that i knew i had gained the married pounds. She once stood in my shoes, where i am now...but guess what? she told me all the wrong things..she took me to all the stores and tried on all the outfits...it just hurt...myabe I have the wrong friends? I am not sure? But you currently can't choose your family...and even then things are said. I told my weight to my sister and it was as if i made her feel better. I imagined that she said to herself...(wow i don't weigh that much and i am a foot taller than her?) I sunk in my chair...It doesn't matter what you teach a girl this will always happen. It is like this vicous circle and it will never stop. Girls compare to girls.
I ask God to allow me see that i am defined my him...to rest in his glory...but i fear that if i do find significance in God ( i won''t care about what i weigh?) Does that sound weird or what! The other issue is that i really don't know if this is normal? Do you gain weight in your mid twenties? Do you go on the Pill and gain weight and when you stop it takes months to loose? Ahhhhhh! I have no one that i really feel comfortable asking these questions too. One i don't trust the women I know to give honest anwers because they filter it through their own weight issues.
Heck though, man i really sympathize with other women that struggle with this issue. And i have apoligized to women that i have hurt in this way when i was really small. I was insensitive and mean...and well i never knew how destructive it was! I only write about this issue on rare occasion this may be my second time. I have weird thoughts though like i should be pregnant to weigh and look like i do! I mean i know pregnant women that are trying to loose weight but they have a reason you know kinda a excuse to look a little more overweight? At the end of the day...I feel no better or worse about myself when i write it but i really do wish that i could find that one person to continue to come along side me with this and nurture a correct behaviour... i was thinking to myself today...what do you label someone like me...I am not anorexic, bulimic, or obesise...i am just sick in the mind? IF that make sense.
signed off
i still can feel the tension
I went away to chicago where the hussle and bussel is everywhere. there i was at a conference, in a church that was so big i felt like the mall that i have in my town is small in camparision. Strange really the fact that this place was so large anyone who didn't know the place had a map to get around with...I was surrounded by the white man in every direction i looked it was a church that was populated by the rich white man. And the american one at that. i was really enthralled with the training that they have, but really confused at the idea of the people that are God's people where missing. they don't have fast cars and nice homes, they live on the streets and in the tiny spaces no one sees. Well to say the least i have learned that i would never attend a church of 20,000...where is the relationship there?
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